Letters for Mama

We just got back from Bicol this morning. We brought you there last Thursday April 26 and buried you in the family plot on Friday. I kept asking Maielle like a broken record - do we really want to bury you there, far away in the Maguiron plot. I guess I was asking this out of selfish reasons. What if I want to run and talk to you? Now I can't. Because you're 500 kms away. Because they say this is where you would want to be buried. So I guess I have to settle for this this way. Write you virtually, the way I've started a few days ago. Ma, it's only a few days til the end of April. What a total mean joke it was this year... and it all started on April 13th. Who knew life's normal would change. My normal would change. This is so typical you. Always wanting this to be YOUR way. What about us that you'd be leaving behind? I hate that all I get is dead air when I ask these questions. Nothing. Only me talking to myself. No more you. What I would give to hear your vo...

Today is my second day at work. 11 days since that fateful day of your death. It was much harder than I thought. I don't think I've never been so unproductive in my life. You think it's ok and then 'woosh!'. As fast as the wind can go, I am engulfed by sadness and brokenness. I can't focus at work - and the one thing that keeps me going is the thought about all the bills that I need to pay. Bills to pay caused by your being gone. Why did you have to go? Why did you have to do things your OWN way? Why wasn't medicine an option? Why do i have all these questions that will never be answered? And all I can do is cry. And ask myself why all over again. The cycle continues.